letters with humour

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Dear President Putin,

Some months ago I wrote to you regarding drilling in the Arctic. You may well remember my letter. I questioned your sanity and asked you to go and sit in a dark quiet room to contemplate your mother’s harsh words at you for contaminating your own back garden with oil.
Now, it would seem, those words have indeed struck home. As Mr. Rasmussen (NATO) states, you are now backing the anti-fracking movement and I am pleased to hear it. We all know how toxic this process is, and that you have now decided to support us in our activities is most welcome.
Our funding requirements are as follows …. (X, Y, Z).
We accept our funding on an open and publically visible platform and will not take this from “secret” sources; thus, we ask that you now openly fund our movement rather than operating secretively, as Mr. Rasmussen claims. If you are indeed secretly funding the anti-fracking movement, then we can assure you that whoever you are giving that funding to is not passing it down the line to the front line where we operate. Perhaps then you should consider breaking ties with those particular individuals and organisations that Mr. Rasmussen is so confident in saying that you do fund?
This letter is to confirm that we are not receiving anything at our end from you, and that we would appreciate this funding for our activities arriving in our hands to carry out our good work on behalf of the environment. Could you please now arrange for that funding to come directly to us.
Kind regards,
The Anti-Frackers

Letter to the Russian Ambassador Concerning False Imprisonment of Greenpeace Activists:

Re: Are you genuinely insane?

Dear Ambassador,

I have grave concerns regarding your sanity.

Pirates surely wear strange outfits, are armed and dangerous, commit theft, and do not obey International law or maritime law.

Sorry, I am, of course, talking about you and your system and not about the Greenpeace activists, as you are the ones who are armed and dangerous, who operate in International waters illegally, and who wear very strange outfits (I love the black balaclavas and the guns – very effective) and operate for very strange outfits (such as Gazprom). It is you who threaten with guns and commit theft on a grand scale. The theft of an entire environment.

Perhaps you have been blinded and bound by a spell. It must indeed be a very powerful one involving greed, high finance, and power games. However, in winning such games, you are indeed losing. Losing your grip on reality. Consider that insanity is often driven by such fantasies of power and control with no thought of the long-term consequences. Consider a real conversation and real contact with individuals who could tell you gently that you are “on the wrong track”. Perhaps your mother, for example, would have scolded you for contaminating her back garden with a barrel of oil. Perhaps not. If your mother could speak, what would she say about your back garden, which is, in this case, quite large. It is called The Arctic. I think she would put you to bed with no supper and you would feel ashamed.

Seriously though, it is a rather insane move to drill in the Arctic and shows a mindset that is reeling out of control towards oblivion. Without a reigning in, such as from your mother, the power games get out of hand, and before you know it, you will be staring out at your back garden wondering why nobody stopped you. Finance will not make it change back. And the shame will be deep and silent, and very very dark (oil is black, after all).

Stepping away from insanity is as easy as going to a quiet room to contemplate your actions following a telling off.

Consider yourself as having been told off and please go to your room to think about what you are doing.

This may seem odd, and perhaps you will brush it aside, and perhaps not even read it, but you are truly verging on that insanity if you continue on this path to destruction. This place is not yours to decide to destroy.

Do not sleep well. Sleep badly with dreams of black oil washing across your back garden. Then perhaps you will be able to put an end to this madness you call the Oil Business.

Thank you for your time.